Time is on my side

I am not a fan of watches, clocks or digital time keepers. Anyone who knows me knows that I will put a ticking clock in the bottom of a hamper when I am enjoying the hospitality of friends (because Lord knows I don’t have one in my own home). I set the blinking digital clocks in my home to random times and put post-it notes over the ones that demand to be set to a specific time zone.

Here’s why: I believe that time does not exist, much like Farenheit does not exist outside of the U.S. Who decided that the day would be 24 hours? And furthermore, what’s all this nonsense about a week being seven days?

Shout out to Dali: the man was a genius.

 I remember when all of this occured to me. It was roughly three years ago human time. (What? The animals could be on a totally different watch.) And when it did, I became angry. But I got over it quickly when I realized that because time wasn’t real, I could do with it what I pleased.

*celebratory dancing*

What was it that I decided to do? Well, because I am still a little Type A (read: nervous), I decided that it’s better for me to just bend time a little rather than break it. I mean, we’ve all seen Primer haven’t we? What?!? You haven’t?

I’m not so interested in the math and health problems that inevitably come with time travel, so I decided that time bending was my best bet. And after a few years of doing this and impressing my close friends, I’ve decided to tell everyone. Why shouldn’t more people benefit from my knowledge? 

Here is my Step-By-Step Guide to Slowing Down Time:

1. Decide what it is you want to accomplish and in what time frame you would like to accomplish it. For instance, the first time I was convinced that I had bent time was when I woke up more than a mile from my home on a work day (without a car), in desperate need of a shower, with less than 30 minutes to get to the office. (I lived a less than scrupulous life. It was fun for a minute.) My boss was an anal-retentive micomanager, so I knew minutes meant my ass. I decided I would get to work on time. And that was it.
2. Focus only on that task (or set of tasks) and do it at your normal pace until it is finished. For this example it was get home, get showered, get presentable (read: business casual with a side of makeup), eat breakfast, and get to work. I would have loved to check my email or logged onto Facebook, but that wasn’t on the agenda. The oatmeal, however, was delicious–I enjoyed it as much as I did the shower. I even shaved my legs.
3. Under no circumstances should you look at the time.  In my case this was easy because I had already begun my war on time, but in your case you will notice how sneaky time can be — coming at you from all sorts of angles: your phone, your kitchen,  your walls! If time got through with its guerrilla warfare, never fear! Shake it off and continue. Tomorrow is another day? No, my friend! Tomorrow was yesterday is last Sunday. Keep perspective!
4. Once finished, pat yourself on the back. I arrived at work on time and I relied on public transportation. No one would have been the wiser but I was so astonished (How on god’s green earth could I have made non-instant oatmeal and accomplished this feat?) that I had to tell everyone in the office. One person was convinced and my boss treated me as if I had been late anyway, but that’s another story entirely.

This final step is in the process of revision for me, as I have been bending time for a while now. I think the more often I compare my feats to the man-made machine of time, the less effective my efforts have become. But that’s just one theory. What’s important is that you try it and practice. The results may blow your mind, and I mean that in the least cliché way possible.

Any tips or other guides? I’m all ears.

Tagged as: how to