MMP: Letting Go & Seeing Home for What It Is

by Rebecca A. Watson on August 25, 2014

in blessings, dreams, Monday Morning Pages

The people that know me well know I’ve had some pretty intense dreams. From falling in love with a devil named Marty to lucidly dreaming I was a zombie, my sleeps are filled with adventure.

wizard of oz

Of course, so is my waking life!

Because of this, I’m a bit of dream analyst. I keep a notepad near my bed and record dreams, which I usually write about in my morning pages.

This was the case in 2012, when I felt the need to write about my hometown:

Even in the dream I felt stymied by Grand Rapids [that’s Minnesota, not Michigan] — like I dream too big for this place. It was all dark and rainy the whole time. I just felt depressed.

What parts of you do you think that dream is referring to? Maybe the parts that are stuck there, that can’t let go of the past? I didn’t think I really had those BUT it’s clear there are parts of me that are still pissed at [my abusers] and hate that town.

It’s not that I hate it — it’s that I don’t want to spend time there. I guess I could go when Ezra or Julie is there and then it would not be so bad. We’ll see.

Yes, you should go some time. OK. Some time I’ll go. It is a beautiful place and I do have some good memories and I do want Sante to see it someday.

And in 2013:

I mean, I do feel like I’ve forgiven but I think I need to let go of ever being able to understand my abuse like I would read a book. And that makes me sad, because I just want to know. Universe, please help me to let go of this.

My intuition is telling me to send a letter. So I wrote and sent a letter to [one abuser]. I have no idea what to expect, and of course that scares me, but honestly I know in my heart it was the right thing to do.

I mailed it without much fanfare on my way to our new house, which meant I couldn’t be all dramatic about it.

How are you feeling about it? OK. Like it was definitely the right thing to do, even if it’s scary. And that’s really what I’m wanting to do. Let go of that old stuff. Put the ball in someone else’s court. Let them deal with it for a while, or not at all, but at least I’m done with it. And that’s really how I feel.

Ladies and gents, I am in my hometown. Have been for a better part of a week now … that picture up there? Me as a cowardly lion? That’s a Grand Rapids original.

I felt it calling me all summer. Of course, it could be the romance of the Minnesota summers, but I think it’s something more. I think it’s sort of a coming home after the hero’s journey, with my eyes open. And my eyes are  wide open. I’m a different person.

I love this town — this state — for what it is, what it was for me and also for showing me how I’d held a resentment against it because of my hurts.

I feel like I can leave the past in the past, where I’ve learned from it. And I’ve actually forgiven. This is the journey of healing and peace. A retreat. I’m astonished at the human I’ve become.

world celtic tarot

Never has The World card made more sense to me.

I can’t stop thinking about this quote from my devotions/meditation book earlier this week:

“Never does the human soul appear so strong
as when it foregoes revenge
and dares to forgive an injury.”

~E. H. Chapin

Wondering what this Monday Morning Pages thing is all about? Read how it started. Or check out all the archives.

{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

SueW August 25, 2014 at 2:49 pm

Hi friend. I needed your quote today! My job change has been good. Now that I understand it better I am liking it more and the 2 people I work with are great, BUT……. I was still very angry about how my old boss didn’t fight for me. I have heard that the whole team is struggling with me not being there to hold everything together and my old boss has stated that he never realized just how much I did…Sadly my mental response to that is EF you buddy. I have people from my past job calling & emailing me to PLEASE help them just one more time and I have been getting more & more angry about it. I want to say too EFing bad. Its not my job anymore you deal with it and leave me alone. The powers that be made this decision so now just live with it!
Its time to forgive and move forward. My soul will be better because of it. Fear not, I am maintaining my lucidity – no struggle there!

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Rebecca A. Watson August 27, 2014 at 9:52 pm

Hey lady. I totally feel you there. I’ve been in that situation before for sure. I think it’s really good to move forward and also see that you’ve been treated poorly and that you don’t have to continue to tolerate it, you know? And not tolerating it doesn’t mean that you’ll hate on anyone or tell them to Eff off (although it would feel good wouldn’t it?) … it just means you don’t keep exposing yourself to the situation. You’re better than that. You deserve to be respected and treated well. Hooray!

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Joy August 25, 2014 at 8:29 pm

You lucid dreamed you were a zombie? Wow, that’s kinda crazy! Did it become lucid mid-dream, or did you realize you were dreaming from the start, and just decide it was the right time to try out that zombie-thing you’d heard so much about?

I think lucid dreams should always take place in the sky, so any time I know I’m dreaming, I simple kick off the ground.

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Rebecca A. Watson August 27, 2014 at 9:46 pm

Ha! No, I became lucid mid-dream, so suddenly I was like “Hey, I’m a zombie in the back of this van. I’m gonna mess with some people.” I started winking at one of the guys who thought I was dead. Ohhhhhhh man it was hilarious. I wasn’t a brain-eating zombie. Nope, just more of a practical joke zombie 😉

And I agree about your lucid dreaming in the sky. I have never thought to fly the few times I’ve been lucidly dreaming.

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