MMP: I Accept My Soul’s Invite to Its Dark Teatime

by Rebecca A. Watson on November 11, 2014

in health, Monday Morning Pages, Recovery, writing

“Music is a moral law. It gives soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and charm and gaiety to life and to everything.”
~Plato

I wrote last week about how this time of year has been a bit of a struggle for me, year after year. Yes, there have been reasons in the past. This year, not so much. I’ve been blessed. But still the darkness comes.

But this time it’s different. I’m trying to get to know it. Invite it to tea, as one of my friends said. And this song has been rolling around in my mind a lot lately. In fact, the whole album, Secondhand Rapture, is like a soundtrack for my dark journey now.

In 2012 I wrote this:

Last night I had a dream where Sante was flying a plane and we were running out of gas and we were kinda in a fog but he landed it perfectly. I am not 100% but I’m pretty sure I had a similar dream with fog and an airplane a few nights ago too.

I think it’s about you two navigating some pretty mysterious secrets and end up being OK although it might seem dire. Exactly.

And we did end up navigating some big things in that year. There was the abuse I was processing, the sadness of losing my grandmother and part of my family, the darkness that came up because of all that. In 2013:

I’m letting go — I’m choosing to put down the burden and the pain I’ve been carrying around in terms of … what? In terms of your abuse? You think you can let that go? You don’t even know the whole story. I’m never going to know the whole story. Trying to find it has only caused me heartache.

I don’t know. I’ve never done this before. Well, I say take it fucking easy. You have a lot on your plate. One thing at a time. Just breath. You will be fine. You will be amazing. You ARE amazing.

Now I feel like the darkness this time is OK. It’s like I have a map or something. Hell, I clearly have a map if I’m already making the soundtrack. Here’s what I wrote today to a friend who asked how I’ve been.

Still a little low but MUCH better than in the past few weeks. I also have been coming to a lot of poignant realizations that I think wouldn’t be surfacing if I wasn’t allowing myself to just be … well, sad.

I’ve always struggled to get through my depression — to “manage” it for me meant to get rid of it. This time I am trusting that it will move along on its own, knowing that I’m doing what I need to do to stay healthy, and I’m learning some things. Whew! Yeah, so there’s that 🙂

It’s a great feeling, to not be scared of your emotions anymore. This is the first time I’ve not freaked out about being down. I know I’ll move through this; I’m doing the right things. And in the meantime, oh lord are the realizations coming hard and fast? Yes, without a doubt. And I say, bring ’em on.

Wondering what this Monday Morning Pages thing is all about? Read how it started. Or check out all the archives

Inspired and want to journal but hate to write? I’ve got a free audio class for you: Four Ways to Journal for Those Who Hate Journaling and you can get it here.

{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

thirstystill November 15, 2014 at 10:40 pm

Rebecca, I really appreciate what you say here. I end up in some dark patches too, and one of the things I’ve found relief in is not being (as) afraid of them anymore. I know things I wouldn’t know if I didn’t go through these, and now, whether it’s extreme sadness or rage I’m mired in, I know it will pass, and I also know there’s wisdom in that mess of feeling, which I may not understand until much later. I’m a lot more patient with myself as a result, and that’s made the darkness much easier to bear. All the best to you and you face the weather out there, too. Take good care. xo

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Rebecca A. Watson November 22, 2014 at 9:21 am

Thanks TS! I really appreciate your comment because it makes me feel like 1. I’m not alone, and 2. I’m not crazy to be OK with being sad 🙂 I mean of course I’d rather be happy, but like you said, not being afraid of it is huge. And there is wisdom in it. YES! THanks for the comment. *hugs*

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CH November 16, 2014 at 5:13 am

I like it!

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